i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
