took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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