Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
