I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
