New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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