i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
