Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
