the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
