The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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