Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
