Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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