I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
