My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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