some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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