pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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