I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
