I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
