If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
