I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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