Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have tasted many bathrooms
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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