I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
