I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
