Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
