just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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