dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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