I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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