I hate all girls vehemently.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
