if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
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He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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