Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
