wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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