Only a mothe r could love this liver
worst night to have a conscience
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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