I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
