i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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