I think im going to throw up on grandma
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
