tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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