i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
