Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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