I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You pole danced in your parka.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
