did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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