dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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