i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
