I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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