you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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