Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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