I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
