Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
