I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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