You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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