The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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