My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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