Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
