How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
