How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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