lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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