8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I AM VODKA MAN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
